…The Waite-ing game. Carlton’s Waitey issue, Worth the Waite,
Write your own shithouse pun here because I’m sick of reading this sort of moronic crap.
Shut the hell up AFL media.
What kind of moronic crap I hear you not say?
- afl.com went with the very subtle “Carlton too 'Waite-conscious': Mick”.
This kind.
Some may have noticed, I’m nothing if not bluntly honest, so I’ll say this right off the bat. I’ve never been 100% on board with Waite. Gasp!? Yeah I know. Sure I like the guy, don’t let that be mistaken.
But Waite is the Football equivalent of a late night drunk text from someone you really want to fuck sleep with, yet you can’t understand them, don’t know where they are and didn’t realise they had your number in the first place. Possibilities and would-be’s so high, yet in actuality, slapdash. Why did slapdash sound so dirty then? To slap and dash? Is that the etymology? Sex?
Anyway, for example, the only time in my memory I’d have to admit Waite’s play openly impressed me carnally, was rather ironically when he was playing in the Victorian state team. Fevola may have kicked 6, but Waite roamed the wings throughout, floated and turned for marks masterfully, and this made him the player whose flair undeniably stood out for all to see on that day and beyond.
Then again that being said, I also thought Nathan Foley may have been best on ground that day, so I in hindsight I possibly could’ve been smoking crack mistaken.
It also was that day that I subconsciously stored Waite in the 'has potential' file in my mind, like many previous girlfriends something I'm extremely certain I'm not the only one to do, it’s an appraisal I have since concretely yet to go back to. The only addendum I've realistically ever considered to ‘has potential’ in my mind since is the word an 'Unfulfilled' in the centre of it.
A capacity for much more than what is, is a sad thing sometimes, especially when others are willing and able to see the glimpses of the brilliance obtainable, it affects people differently I suppose, but my reaction for better or for worse is to not linger. There is other shit to be done.
I’ve never really had the heart to talk about achy-breaky Jarrad Waite.
The most recent conversation I do remember having about Waite was around 2007ish with two supporters of other clubs, my Essendon and Richmond “friends”. Their input comprised basically of “Oh we wish we had Waite, he’s a gun” to which I may have replied something along the lines of “I’d rather put my dick in a blender than rely on Waite playing every game in a season.” Or…“You can have him, we’ll happily take Richo or Lloyd (both in the twilight of their careers at the time) Lloyd should have played for us anyway like his Dad, and if it weren’t for draft picks being taken away by bloody John Elliott we would’ve had your whole ninth placed list.”
I forget which precisely. Needless to say alcoholic spirits were a big part of my life then.
It was around that point where the Essendon supporter stared blankly at me and the Richmond supporter threatened to glass me.
Not much has changed since then.
Despite my largely clear-cut indifference to “Vin’s Boy”-as Rex Hunt calls him. I can’t quite fully explain the undeniable sense of discontent every time this kind of article/rhetoric turns up in front of me. I dare say you’ve heard/seen it before as well.
"Key forward (insert name here) comes back/is injured/suspended and this one player impacts significantly and profoundly by saving/destroying (insert team name here) season."
As most sporting/regular folk know, shit chatter happens. Learn to ignore it. It’s as obvious as a wife or girlfriend asking you to fix a wall after an ad for Selleys’s no more gaps is on TV. It’s space filler.
In previous years this kind of talk rung out loud and clear around VISY Park, and not that you asked for preciseness, typically on a Thursday. And it seemed to mean more.
These days Carlton is able to somehow surround itself in such a tedium and formlessness as to most self-respecting journalists are sick of our typical shit and go looking for some drug scandal copy. Some might call it professionalism, mafia connections or Malthouse. It’s hard to tell just yet. Previous years have been a veritable shit-storm compared to the start of this year.
Its only 7ish rounds in and not a lot has happened:
- An unexceptional 5 point loss to Richmond in which Yarran could have won it, twice.
-Two mostly expected yet competitive losses to Collingwood and Geelong.
-Matthew Kreuzer fractures his thumb, gets a plate put in. Still remains a great actor.
- A win over West Coast in Subiaco, proved – (That’s right, points within points)
- We are better on a bigger ground. Hear that Ian Collins! What?! He’s retired?
- West Coast are not the same without their full side, or slow or both. Or on a time delay.
-A large part of our side is originally from WA (7 players)
- Mick really didn’t want to lose to both his former teams in under a month.
-That with an 86.2% disposal efficiency Brock McLean can actually help us win games
- If your opponent kicks 23 behinds and only 7 goals you dodged a bullet
- Then we proved it wasn’t a fluke when we beat Adelaide, Taylor Walker does his knee.
- We are finally glad we got rid of Sam Jacobs. Sort of. Until “Sauce” has another good run again.
-Gibbs mysteriously pings a hamstring and misses the game against Melbourne, sending the backline of my dream team into chaos as Heppell is rested against GWS. Sorry meant to delete that one.
- We beat Melbourne by ten goals and Melbourne fans remain reasonably happy/suicidal.
-And finally, Jarrad Waite head-butts Melbourne defender Tom McDonald in the first quarter against the Demons in his first game back takes a plea and is suspended for a week.
This is kind of thing that just makes just want to type fuuuuuuuuu until my middle finger breaks off from hitting the ‘u’ key. But I’m clearly not the only great and modest football mind these kind of thoughts have floated around in. Don’t believe me? Just ask Caro.
Exactly sister, right on. Shoot that poison arrow. Or better yet punch Craig Hutchison in his stupid fat egg-man face. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. And neither would anyone else.
Here is why the last is such a problem.
Not punching Hutchy. In fact get on “zem twitterz” and let him know what I think. Here it is this is what the power of social networking is clearly for.
Back to what little point I had;
Carlton solely- correctly or not, base our forward line around the concept of having one large “marking” carcass “creating a contest” and our tiny small forwards buzzing around trying to sneak 3-4 goals a game each.
If this does not happen we lose. Simple as that.
Why this the case? We have no depth. Especially in the forward half.
No better was this point illustrated than when Eddie Betts somehow became our second lead up marking target last year. Yikes. But giant shorts and occasional mark of the year contender and broken jaw aside, to win we need many more proficient marking key forwards around.
More than none that is.
Ratts tried valiantly with varying success with “Seat belt on mate”- As Matthew Kreuzer will now be known as- playing as a part time/casual/shift worker/intern key forward last year. But Kruuuuu (nope I’ve run of the letter u’s from that last gag earlier) is much more adept playing as a ruck/mid around clearances than he is as a ruck/mid/forward trying to kick multiple bags of goals. And let’s be serious here, the kid is good but he can’t do it all. And if Carlton decides against the above philosophy we well end up running him into the ground. The only reason I think Ratten at least tried this kind of tactic last year was to get some form into him and try and keep everyone on the list happy because we had too many ruck options. Warnooocccckkkkk!!!!!!
As strange as this sentence is about to sound, this year Malthouse has flirted with Megan Gale’s boyfriend -As Hampson will now be known until: either a; he starts performing anywhere near to level of ability that Gale and others see in his specimen or b; they break up (also c; Andy Lee kicks another bag it the channel 9 legends game and we decide we might as well sign him up as well). His aerobic capacity and tap work is the same if not slightly less than Kruuuuu…ah my finger!
Glad that’s settled. Wait. No, both those options are utterly shit.
This year, after 12 years you know where, a year in the media and saying some stupid things- like our list doesn’t need changing? Mick has been rotating mostly midfielders up forward so far. The enduringly fatigued Chris Judd, Brock “I can’t run, but I’m working on my poor man’s impersonation of Dane Swan” McLean and Chris “I’ll make you shout at the television at least once a game” Yarran get a run up there most weeks. But these options are all selleys’ stop gaps; Mick knows in the future things will be different.
Dylan Buckley is a kid I have a lot of time for in our forward line going ahead, just as I had, and still do have lot of time for Matthew Watson down back. He looks like a slightly older Leonardo DiCaprio in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” and may be distracted by “The Great Gatsby” coming out in Australia soon, but if he improves in the air we may see him coming to a forward line opening near you. Buckley…Yes he’s another lightning 179cm small forward with talent, one we’ll enjoy the fruits of labour of very soon, in spite of a reasonably good performance his first game, his time is far from now. Along with Orphan Annie (Josh Bootsma), Buckley is challenging for the most baby-faced player on our list, if we play both we may as well start playing one direction songs as motivation music before games.
Along with not being a member of 1D, Levi “Rock the” Casboult you’d have to say is not that far off playing some serious football. Whether Waite is in the side or not. He’s got good hands is a good size and is serviceable in a role Mick likes use of forward/ruck/3rd tall. Soon. People forget both him and John Butcher at Port (who?) were touted as the “Next Fevola” a comparison that takes clearly more than a year or two to figure out. And there is zero chance of either kicking six in a state of origin game anytime soon.
Mick’s also let Sam Rowe (Can you tell how hard I’m trying not to make a testicular fortitude joke here) have a run at things. But seriously, he says here he’d rather be known as a good person and a good bloke. Which it seems like he is. I’ve not seen enough from him to honestly know if I should be getting my hopes up, so far I’m leaning towards “I’d rather Jarrad not headbutt anyone so Rowe can play some VFL.
Rant over. Take that internet.
